A personal testimony of the reality of God’s grace….

Billy Graham once said,

“Suffering in life can uncover untold depths of character and unknown strength for service. People who go through life unscathed by sorrow and untouched by pain tend to be shallow in their perspectives on life. Suffering, on the other hand, tends to plow up the surface of our lives to uncover the depths that provide greater strength of purpose and accomplishment. Only deeply plowed earth can yield bountiful harvests.”

I am opening up and making myself vulnerable in this post.  I am letting many people see deep into my experience or, as I call it, my Jesus journey.  This was painful to write and it brought back many bad memories.  Tears were shed as I recalled the many people I hurt including myself!  But, I have been moved to share my testimony, (even the falling away part) to encourage any person on their Jesus journey who has struggles that seem insurmountable.  The answer for you is the same as it was (and is) for me.  You will find it, only in Jesus Christ.

  We are all alike in many ways regardless of our circumstances, but the outcome is sometimes different.  May you be encouraged as you see how the Lord can take someone like me who was “dead in sin” and breath life back into his soul.

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

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As I ended the previous writing, I mentioned 1994.  At that point, it had been almost 20 years of active service for God when things begin to change in my experience.  I was being tested and I failed miserably. It is true….not everyone passes the test. Why? Because the Lord gave us the power of choice.  I chose badly.

Following is my story about returning to the mud and choosing to separate myself from the One who promised me the gift of eternal life.

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The Trials Kept Coming

I had suspected something was not right for weeks.  So many signs.  A different attitude about things.  I am not talking about myself, it was my wife and the mother of my three beautiful children.

And then like a bolt of lightning the truth came striking out at me.  Hotel rooms, secret meetings, telephone calls.  I fell on my face and wept like a baby.  It hurt deep to know what I learned. I couldn’t catch my breath from the pain!

The next several weeks included moving out, more weeping, talking late at night, wondering about by myself as a husband and father. But, it is here where I made my mistake.  It was my own choice.  Like Jacob, I should have wrapped my arms around the feet of the Lord and insisted I would not let Him go unless He blessed me…But I didn’t.  Instead, I wallowed in my misery.  This would cost me dearly!

Next came a few sessions with a marriage counselor who knew little of what I was feeling.  She had the nerve to excuse my wife’s actions and minimize my feelings by telling me to think of it as her vacation!  What?!!!  That was the final straw.  No more counselors.  I needed healing quickly and completely.

The Great Healer was right there waiting, but I didn’t turn to Him!  If you don’t get anything out of this blog, please remember to turn to Christ immediately if you are faced with hurt and trials! The hurt kept me away.  All that I had learned and taught did not come to mind.  I had once told a Bible class, “If you take a single step towards God, He will come running to you.”  These words and reality would show up 10 years later in a strange set of circumstances.

Why did I not wrestle with God?

“I will not let you go unless you bless me” never came from my lips.

Sadly, my own grieve was about to explode into a full indulgence of rebellion.  It would even lead to death. My own death.  I would be dead in sins.

 We talked.  We tried.  We cried. We took a trip.  But when we came back I filed for divorce.

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Sickness

One Spring day, I received a call from my wife who had taken our daughter to the doctor.  As a result of some tests, she was to call the hospital at 4:00 PM for the results.  She wanted me with her to talk with the nurse.  She was scared, which scared me.  When we came back from our trip to try and make our marriage work, we both noticed one of our daughters had bruises on her legs.  This led to all sorts of questions and concerns.

4:00 came and I dialed the number.

“Hello, I am calling about the results of my daughter’s test.”

“Oh yes.  Hold on for a second.”

It felt like hours until the nurse came back on the phone.

“Could you bring your daughter to the hospital?”

“Of course.  When?”

“We need you to bring her now.”

“Sure.  We are on our way.”

We quickly, put together a small bag and change of clothes for our daughter and we arrived at the hospital within an hour of the phone call.

We all sat down at the desk while the nice nurse began to type information into the computer.  I was positioned where I could see her typing.  Then I noticed it.  A lump came in my throat and I wanted to run from that room, but I had to be strong.

Leukemia!

No! Lord!  NO!

We checked her in and the next day began a series of painful tests including a needle in her back.  I held her hand while she cried out, “Daddy, make them stop.”  I cried with her.  I had to be strong.  My wife had long since run down the hall away from the torture room.

They finally got the sample from her spine and we returned to her room that would become her home for several weeks.

The next day, two doctors came into our room and told us,

“It is not Leukemia.”

I felt a big load off my heart.

“It is Aplastic Anemia.”

That didn’t sound too bad until the Doctors began to explain it.

The load of pain returned to my heart.

Thus began weeks of trying to find a bone marrow donor. No match!

The doctor encouraged us to start thinking about final arrangements.  They gave her a 20% chance.

I could take it no longer, I walked down to the local bar and asked the bartender for something to drink.  Why did I not run to God? Thus began years of drinking.

Aplastic Anemia meant her body had quit producing red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets.  The end could come in one or more of several ways.

Of course, I suspended the divorce.  My attention at work as a senior manager of a bank operation center began to fade.  I didn’t want to be there.  I put on the strong front, but inside my body had stopped producing faith, care, and reasoning.

I found a girlfriend who treated me well.  Now it was my turn to sneak around, lie….and also to feel the burden of guilt and shame. I was learning to turn off any sort of conviction about sin through my friend Jack.  Jack Daniels.

My daughter bloated up from all the medications.  She was so sweet and seemed to be in good spirits.  I loved her so much!  But, I had no way of telling her for the lump and the choking tears that were sure to drown out any sensible comforting communication.  I had to be strong.  But, my strength was being tested almost every day with every thought.  I wanted these thoughts to go away, so I drank….and Jesus waited….

Death

One day at work, I told my secretary I was leaving for the day and I headed to a local watering hole that served excellent  Mexican food.  I met my girlfriend there and we began to drink Tequila.

The waitress came to me and asked,

“Are you Eddie?”

I said, “Yes.”

“You have a phone call up front.”

I had told my secretary where I was going (Cell phones were not common at that time).  So when I answered the phone I was expecting her voice on the other end.  But, it was my brother!

He said,

“Eddie you need to come home.” (I was living with him at the time)

“Why?”

“Dad died in a car wreck this morning.”

The next thing I remember was crying uncontrollably at my table.  I had fainted and the people there in the restaurant lifted me back to my table and my food of sorrow laying cold in my plate.

My girlfriend took me out of the restaurant.  The tears continue to flow. She drove me to my brother’s apartment.  My brother and I started a long trip of two hours south to the city where my Dad lived…or had lived until that morning.  We arrived at the hospital and was taken to a dark hallway where we were asked to identify the lump under the bloody sheets.

They pulled back the sheets and my brother and I fell into each other’s arms crying like infants.

The next few days were filled with caskets, flowers, funeral homes and booze at night.  My brother, step-brothers, and sister stayed at my Dad’s house while we waited for the dreaded day of the funeral.

I was a controlled drunk the day of visitation and remember little except trying to keep my composure and not reveal that I had been drinking.  Attending were girl friends and the woman who bore my three beautiful children.  What a mess I was in! My mind was numb to everything!  But, I was sober the next day at the funeral and remember almost every second.

The funeral home director invited the family to come up and say our farewells before they closed the casket for eternity.  It was too much to handle.  My brother and I  walked up to the casket.  We again fell into each other’s arms weeping like we did at the hospital. Sobs that came from deep within.  Why was God doing this to me? Why did I not cry out, “I will not let go unless you bless me?”

I no longer called upon God.  Instead, I called upon my friends Jack  and Bud that night.  They gave comfort for a while, but they would wake me up in the early morning with a dry mouth, a massive headache, and clinging depression.

At some point during all this, I shook my fist at God and told him to “Go away!” I said, to my Creator…the One who I had worked with for the last 20 years.  I told Him,

“I asked for bread and you gave me a rock.  I asked for fish and you gave me a serpent”

Then I returned to my girlfriends and my friends Jack and Bud.  My sins became  easy…absent of guilt. I did not feel the presence of God or any conviction at all.  My life turned very selfish.  I was truly “dead in sin”…like a dead man laying on the floor that cannot hear, see, or feel.

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Good News and Divorce

In the middle of all this, there was some very good news about my daughter.  She was starting to respond to some experimental drugs that was paid for out of my own pocket.  It was not covered by my insurance.  They were expensive.  Soon my bills were in the six figures.  That along with my newly initiated extravagant/selfish life style would lead to bankruptcy within a few years.

My divorce came through.  It was a terrible day.  My wife begged me to not divorce her and she cried all the way down the halls and steps of the court house….all the way to my car after the judge had pronounced the marriage over.  I could not breath because of the pressure of that day.  I was now an official confirmed jerk. My friends Jack and Bud were waiting for me.  The mental pain and depression were like a vice around my heart and head.

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For the next several years, I worked and made good money.  But at night, especially on the weekends, I was at the local bar laughing and partying with my new friends.  Money went through my fingers like water as I often picked up the tab or took my dates out to very expensive restaurants. I did all this and paid alimony and extra child support so my children would not have to move out of their home.  I gave the equity in the home and a new car to my ex-wife.

The distance between me, my children, and God grew wide like a great gulf of water.

Job Loss

One day at work, I was still feeling the effects of the drinking the night before.  I pulled up my email and began to read.  A gay employee of mine sent me an accusatory email.  He was at home that day.  I called him on the phone and went into a rant.  I called him names on his recorder.

This led to my resignation a few days later.  Now, I was without a job, This led to a major pity party that night and a week long trip to Arizona with my girlfriend.

Soon I was living with my girlfriend and getting wilder by the day.  Then came the day, I left my girl friend to live in my own apartment.  I didn’t want to feel tied down to one person.  And, in a way, I wanted to get my life back to normal, if possible.  My daughter moved in with me.  She had recovered from the Aplastic Anemia and was now in High School.  There were many people praying for her.  I never lifted up one word.  I am so thankful that when we don’t want to pray, there are others who will stand in the gap for us.

So here I was; divorced, separated from my children, a drinking problem, partying, missing my father, jobless.  I had tried talking to a psychiatrist.   He said, that he often saw people with only one or two major stresses in their life.  I had several.  He also noticed that my memory was not good and suggested it was the drinking.  Then he prescribed a mediation (Paxil)  to help me with my depression.  He instructed me to not take it while drinking.  Of course, that was never followed. The mixture of the drug and the drinking made me “ten foot tall and bullet proof.”  A few bar fights felt normal to me.  No fear,  just resolving an issue.  When I told the doctor about the scuffles, he immediately took me off the medication.

A New Wife

After the breakup with my girlfriend I decided to go to one of my favorite bars to hear a female saxophonist and a band play.  I had planned to celebrate the freedom from my girlfriend.  I was determined to sit and drink by myself.  I noticed an attractive lady who was turning away men who wanted to dance with her.  I turned and watched the music and decided to go easy on the drinking that night.  After several songs, the attractive lady was asking me to dance.  We danced and talked the rest of the night.   I thought to myself, “Why can’t I find someone like this to be my wife?”  But, she was married and going through a divorce and had three children.  When the night ended, I told her a few lies thinking I would never see her again even though I gave her my card.

A few days later, she called me at work (I had found a good job that paid more than any before).  As we talked and asked questions about each other, I soon discovered that I knew her husband from high school.  It both turned us off and we didn’t talk to each other by phone.  But, several weeks later I saw her at the grocery store.  She said she was going through the divorce, so I asked her out on a date.

We hit it off immediately and began to see each other regularly.  After her divorce, we took a trip to Cancun.  As we headed back after a week away, I felt I needed to slow down the relationship and wondered how I could stop it.

But, there was no turning back.  A year later, we were married.  None of my kids attended the simple wedding.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would be good for them.

Our marriage, especially in the beginning was all about travel, spending money and drinking.  The biggest problem with our relationship was the constant arguing.  My wife was extremely jealous and insecure.  Often I was accused of things even though I was completely faithful to her.  I knew what infidelity could do to a marriage and a family.  I wanted a normal life again!

A Small Turning Point.

Despite all this, we had some good moments.  But, one night we got into a huge argument and I left the house and sped through the neighborhood.  I had been drinking.  As I topped a hill, I passed a police car going in the opposite direction.  The blue lights came on immediately.  What happened next was my “one step towards God.”  It was the beginning of my journey back to God though I didn’t know it at the time.  It would be a small path to my “second resurrection” and a return to life after being dead in sins.  This event, along with another a few weeks later, begin to bring great conviction and led me back to church.  That story will be in part 3.

It is true that God never leaves us and that even though our sins as red as scarlet, He will turn them into blinding whiteness.

In part 3, I will show how God took me out of the pig pen and cleaned me up.  AA couldn’t do it.  Expensive doctors were worthless.  I will also tell you how God blessed me and how my relationship with God is stronger now than ever.

for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.

Luke 15: 24

The conclusion next time.  Blessings until then.

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